literature

He Named the Stars for Her

Deviation Actions

betwixtthepages's avatar
Published:
5.2K Views

Literature Text

There were twenty-seven freckles
on the skin between her shoulder blades.

He used to line them into constellations in his free time:
The Big Dipper;
Scorpio;
Hercules;
Medusa.

He called her Galaxy Girl
and swore she'd walk the moon someday.

One night,
he captured twenty-six fireflies for her
and she laughed
when he held up the jar
and told her she could find her way home with it.

She could light her way back to him.

He swore she'd be the first girl
he'd ever name a star for
and he'd call it Glacier to match her eyes
and besides,
it was so much better than her real name.

He looks at the sky
through his telescope now
and wonders if she realizes he kept his promise.

Twenty-eight stars are dedicated to her
and her universe freckles.

He named them all Lizzie
and despite his long midnight talks
with the fireflies he always captures in his palms just for her,
he still can't bring her back to his world.
More of my "new" style.

I think I'm beginning to like it. Maybe. It's simple...but...portrays something my other poetry didn't, in a way, I think.

September 2010
© 2010 - 2024 betwixtthepages
Comments93
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Nepets's avatar
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

Grade: 17/20 or 85% or B, whichever you prefer.

I will start by saying I thoroughly enjoyed reading your poem. I loved the symbolism that I read (intentional or otherwise), there was just one issue that I found. Why 26, 27 and 28? I understand that she had 27 freckles, why 26 fireflies and 28 stars? I came up with a theory that the missing firefly represented her soul, free and that there was an extra star almost saying that, now that she had passed, she has joined the stars. Just a theory. It's always a good thing to create some questions, it keeps a reader's attention, but a number that represents nothing is, in truth, just what it represents, something insignificant. Everything must have a purpose, what are the numbers'? I found no grammatical errors, thank gosh. On the other hand, the inconsistent line breaking is bothering me. It seemed as though there was a pattern you were attempting to follow, but failed. For example, the constellations should be in one line together, not separate, and lines 21-23 should be put into only two lines. Overall, I enjoyed the creativity and uniqueness of your poem, there are only a few things that should be adjusted.