Single isn't Misery

"You don't have a boyfriend.
That's sad."

Of course,
this coming from a ten year old,
I only level my gaze upon her own,
smile lightheartedly,
and shake my head,
muttering,
"No, it really isn't"
while deep down,
I'm agreeing just because
I'm the kind of girl
who thinks the world ends
each time I'm single,
just as I'm not lying to her
flat out
to save myself from the truth.

The reason my heart
screams in unison with her words
is because there are some things that I wish I could still have:
He made me laugh
like sorrow was nothing but dust,
even if just days before
he did something stupid and left my heart
treading in water that was too deep for it not to sink in.

He turned me in ribbons
and gift-wrapped life
so he could show me what it meant to live,
and living with him beside me
was almost like knowing that life wouldn't end
so long as we kept going strong.

He made me see the things
that no one else was able to,
especially if the things
he pointed out
(without actually doing anything)
were parts of myself that I didn't want to admit to,
and therefore,
had no way to fix.

He was the one
who first introduced me to love,
just like he
first brought me into heartbreak's acquaintance.

And yet,
he was always the first one I ran to
when tears threatened to fall,
the first one I thought of
when I cracked open my eyelids,
the first one I forgave
time after time after time,
even when the world told me not to.

He was--
and still remains--
the only one who sets my pulse skipping stones
across the rivers of my blood.

And yet,
even though I love him more than I love anyone,
I know that if I think back on it,
I'll grow angry once again.

He was the one
who threw sharded words in my eyes
and pushed his luck beyond breaking.

He was the one
who knew which buttons to press
and which sentences to speak
to worm his way back into my good graces
(as well as everyone elses).

And he was the one
who showed me
(unknowingly)
that within me burns a rage
that won't die down to embers
once it's been ignited.

At least not until I hurt the one
who hurt me first.

Him and I
had our issues and our spats,
just as every couple probably has.

The difference between us
and other couples,
however,
is the fact that we bicker like lions in heat
when we're together,
but we're perfectly civil
when we're "just friends."

"You don't have a boyfriend.
That's sad."

No,
not having a boyfriend isn't what bugs me.

It's loving a boy
who can give me nothing more
than a hand to hold.

It's loving a boy
whose heart isn't free.

It's loving him.